Yet Another Calm (Before the New Storm Raises)

Storm has ended. Now we have this calm period again. Nobody is moving or leaving anything. M is just relieved that F isn’t giving her the silent treatment anymore. And that’s it. Everything bad has been forgotten.

It’s the same pattern that goes on over and over again. I’m beginning to get bored I must say. Where as my Father is a narcissist, my Mother is too codependent. They are like match made in heaven. They belong together. F never apologize no matter how badly he treats other people, where as M forgives him everything anyway. You can imagine what this pattern did to us children when we were little and 100% reliant on these people. It wasn’t the healthiest environment to grow up.

S said, she’s is really starting to get bissed off too. She has given M safehouse facts and helped her to start a work search. She has also told about our problems and much more to other people which isn’t necessarily the best way to solve this.

The glad thing is my wounds have slowly started to heal in the middle of this shit. Life doesn’t hurt so much anymore. Apparently it has been good for me to stay away from the hot spot although it has also made me feel a bit outsider. Pre-school and day care starts next week. H goes back to work and I’m starting my “new life” as a college student and finally getting something else to solve than diapers and laundry and the problems in our family.

No matter what, life goes on. Moving on doesn’t solve anything but I guess it’s our only option.

5mg

I feel empty. I feel there’s nothing left to say and go on about. I just don’t feel much anymore. In some way it’s obviously a good thing but in the long run this isn’t me.

Yesterday I started to half my Lexapro dose to 5mg. First of all I hope I’ll have my sensitivity back when it comes to sex, and second of all I don’t mind crying as long as it doesn’t make me look like a lunatic. It’s okay to be sad and hurt inside. Every feeling has a purpose. There’s no way I’m going to live my life as a robot.

The best thing that my meds have taught me in these past four months is I haven’t done anything wrong to anyone, not to F, not to M, not to S. Meds have helped me to get use to what has happened. Without them I don’t know where I would be right now. I’m thinking that I should stay in 5mg at least the next six months and see, where it goes from there. I’m sure, this is the right thing to do, but of course I’m going to see my doctor and have a chat with her as well.

I don’t know what is waiting for me in the future but I surely know now, where my bounderies are. I think I’m going to be all right. Without F and partly without M I’m going to continue my life as it is and enjoy it the best way I can. Maybe some day I’m brave enough to write about the sexual abuse I had to go through as a kid, but right now I don’t think it’s necessarely the best thing to do. It’s not fare that I’m the only one struggling with these issues and my parents keep pretending they haven’t done anything bad. It makes me sick to my stomach and for that I think anger and bitterness are my biggest enemies right now. How to let go, that is the question.

Numb

Now that I’m on meds, I’ve started to feel numb and somehow disconnected from my emotions. Do I even have emotions anymore, I begin to wonder. Sure sex haven’t been the same for a couple of months.

Before this crisis of mine I used to be very empathic and sensitive of what other people were going through. I co-felt feelings such as grief, which for example came with long-term infertility, and desolation, which few of my stay-at-home mommyfriends were also struggling with. On top of that I had my own emotions to deal with. Now that I think back, I’ve always been there for others. Always listening and comforting… No wonder I’ve been so sentimental and gutted. And no wonder, I took the conflict with F so hard.

If you have any bad feelings you would like to dumb, bring them to me, I’ll carry them for you!

Usch, not anymore. Now I don’t feel the need to think things too deeply. Sure I feel love for my husband and kids and care for my friends but would I like to have something heavier on my shoulders? No thank you, that would be too exhausting. Now don’t get me wrong, this is a good shift in my life, but at the same time I begin to worry. Is this numbness really me? Who am I?

Last Friday M called me. As usual she was concerned with S’s money situation and then told me, that their cat has been acting weird and maybe they should get it to the vet and have it put to sleep. I couldn’t care less (!) but I said: “Ooh, it’s getting old. You should deffinitely go to the vet and depending on what he sais, do what ever you have to do.” I said, what is ment to be said in situation like that, but I didn’t FEEL IT. Or maybe I felt a little bit irritated for the fact that she told me about their cat and waited for me to console her. Same thing happened earlier with S, when she told me, that she’s concerned about the big mole in her back. “What if it’s cancer?” she cried. I felt nothing. Just irritated again which I tried to hide. I said: “Please, don’t worry yet. Go to the doctor first and wait for the lab results.” Again I said, what is ment to be said in situation like that, but I didn’t FEEL IT.

Is this because of my meds or is it just the fact, that because my Sister and Mother haven’t been keen to help me to solve my crisis, I feel like I don’t have to be there for them, either? I’ve read about SSRIs and how they blunt your personality so that you are apple to shape it again. Doctors recommend therapy as a molding tool and it leads to one question: If I don’t ever go to therapy, is this numbness going to be a new me?

You Took My Trust, I Give You My Anger

This week I have been angry. Little child inside of me has been angry. As an emotion my anger is so colossal and dominant, that it has been hard to feel anything else. It’s frightening to feel this way. Does my anger ever go away – does it even get smaller in some point?

However, I need to have negative feelings too. It’s normal and I think it’s one step of becoming the new me and letting go the past. I hate my parents. I really really hate them. They don’t love me. They only love themselves. I can’t trust them anymore. That’s the biggest awakening which causes even more anger.

Some day I have to let my anger go. Some day it will happen, I’m sure of it. But not today, not tomorrow. I’m not ready yet.

Break

To keep peace over Christmas M have to focus on F. Keep their Illusion going so F won’t kill them both (most horrible thing that could happen). The Big Illusion for now is that F denies his own children. Brats, as he sais. He thinks we are behaving badly but the Truth is that his is madly envious for our lives. That’s something I should write about soon, because envy is one of the biggest symptoms in Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

M send me and S some e-mails yesterday, because calling and SMS is difficult to do in secret. When F is standing in the same room and keeping eye on you, you deffinitely don’t touch your phone. Even thinking about that makes me mad. Mother can’t keep in touch with her own children.. Come on! It’s not that F has banned calling to us. It’s the mental abuse that follows afterwards.

I always wondered why it is so hard for women or men to leave from bad relationship. Just back your bags and go. It’s that simple. But it’s not. Especially if your “better half” is a narcissist. Little did I know…

M is drained. She told me today (called me while being in supermarket, which isn’t the first time) that maybe it’s better for us to see each other not until spring. By then she’ll figure out what to do. I said: Okay, but don’t you wait for me to do something about this. It’s not my business to try to make up. It’s just not. M sobbed on line, trying so hard to not let me hear it. I almost felt quilty – again. But as quickly that feeling came as quickly did I move over it. I’ve started to learn to speak up for myself. That’s good.

Anxiety Boost

M called today. That call didn’t last long. I’ve noticed I can’t chit-chat with her anymore the way we have used to. It has something to do with trust. The trust we no longer have between us. The foundational trust which you have to have if you’re in a daughter-mother relationship. I actually don’t want to know anything about her everyday life that has something to do with F, and because of that, there’s nothing much to talk anymore. I’ll go even deeper into my depression if I let her assume everything is suddenly okay. I need an apology from F, before I can start to heal my wounds. At the same time I know, F doesn’t do apologies. I have to put my life back together somehow differently.

God knows, this year has been a total watershed in my adult life. I don’t know, what kind of role M plays in my new life. I don’t know if she is going to be a tree or a troubadour on the stage. Sure hell she is not going to be a whisperer.

I’ve been nervous for several days now. Both my and S’s family and M have decided to meet next weekend. To gather around, eat some cake and give our gifts for christmas. It’s something we do every year. This year F is not part of that. For some reason I’m very distressed. I just want it to be over already.