They Don’t Care

What could it be?

One time I feel okay and another time I don’t. The change is huge. Suddenly Anxiety rises to the point, that I almost can’t take it. Why? I’ve been wondering this and started to see the pattern. It’s something I have noticed since the Breakup with F happened last year but only recently I’ve began to accept and embrace it. The fact is, that

my Anxiety

rises

everytime

my Mother

calls me.

It’s because I still hope we could have the loving (?) mother-daughter-relationship that we used to have so many years. But hoping is useless at this point. All that has gone. Nowadays everytime M calls me, I can feel in her voice, that we don’t share that close connection anymore. She always says: “I already called your sister”, to let me know, that she values S’s opinion more than mine. We don’t laugh to random things the same way we have used to. Well, we laugh, but I guess we both know, it’s fake. Faking and trying and hoping and then dissappointment really robs my energies to zero. Every time we hang up I die a little.

I have no parents.

Yet Another Calm (Before the New Storm Raises)

Storm has ended. Now we have this calm period again. Nobody is moving or leaving anything. M is just relieved that F isn’t giving her the silent treatment anymore. And that’s it. Everything bad has been forgotten.

It’s the same pattern that goes on over and over again. I’m beginning to get bored I must say. Where as my Father is a narcissist, my Mother is too codependent. They are like match made in heaven. They belong together. F never apologize no matter how badly he treats other people, where as M forgives him everything anyway. You can imagine what this pattern did to us children when we were little and 100% reliant on these people. It wasn’t the healthiest environment to grow up.

S said, she’s is really starting to get bissed off too. She has given M safehouse facts and helped her to start a work search. She has also told about our problems and much more to other people which isn’t necessarily the best way to solve this.

The glad thing is my wounds have slowly started to heal in the middle of this shit. Life doesn’t hurt so much anymore. Apparently it has been good for me to stay away from the hot spot although it has also made me feel a bit outsider. Pre-school and day care starts next week. H goes back to work and I’m starting my “new life” as a college student and finally getting something else to solve than diapers and laundry and the problems in our family.

No matter what, life goes on. Moving on doesn’t solve anything but I guess it’s our only option.

The Ultimate Breaking Point?

Well.

What could I say?

The storm has come. F is furious, again. And REALLY mad this time. My Sister called me just moments ago and told, that M has to leave her job tomorrow and move to their house. Now I am not sure, if M is still alive, but something awful though is deffinitely happening at this right moment. I KNOW it. M asked us for not to text or phone her tonight. She is now dealing with the Devil, alone. I don’t understand why she wanted to go “home”, if there’s serious danger to get hurt.

F got mad because he saw our holiday pictures. That’s all what it takes to get narcissistic person complitely out of control. This was waiting for happen. This… I don’t even know what to call it. Narcissistic rage.

I don’t think I have much strength to do anything about anything now, tomorrow or any other day for that matter. I’m too numb and tired to take care anyone else but me and my children. I’m just glad that I survived.

William-Adolphe Bouguereau: “Dante and Virgil in Hell” (1850)

Pampering the Devil

I survived the holiday, but I did feel quite sick and distressed when M and S bought Father some souveniers. One would think, why they were willing to put me through that – like F is their best buddy no matter what he does. Sure, we were on a holiday and souveniers are something people buy, but they didn’t seem to notice the harm it was doing to me. Or they simply didn’t care.

Mother buys F presents because they are partners in life (and crime) and that’s the end of it.

Sister claims, that our parents’ life is none of our business and if M wants to pamper her spouse, she is willing to support her in that. By doing that S actively ignores my feelings and actively licks M’s and F’s ass. Her defence is: “Don’t worry, no one is going to forget, how you have been treated badly.”

I don’t give a shit about that! Forget or not to forget… What about now? Any apologies, any ideas, how to really solve this?

I asked M, why she ignores my hurt. She said nothing but she’s the one, who has problems. Mine are nothing comparing to hers. And yet at the same time she keeps saying: “F isn’t angry anymore.” Well, good for her. I think my both parents are more or less narcissistic.

I Want to Vomit (You Out of My Life), But I Can’t

Next week I’m going to a short holiday with S and M. The less there’s days left to count, the bigger my level of anxiety gets. I think, it’s because of M. When I spend time with her or even talk to her on the phone, my Father comes along with it. Now I’m freaking leaving to a trip with this person! Obviously I continue to hang on to the stupid hope, that my children would still have their grandma. The sad thing is, it’s really killing me.

As I wrote earlier in March, I minimized Lexapro doze rapidly and from that on I’ve managed to be without it. It would be great if I wouldn’t have to feel anxiety anymore but I guess I just have to suck it up. Every day I get myself caught thinking, wish I wouldn’t have to go… I would gladly have a vacation with S, but S only. The odd thing is, if we ever even think about it, M calls and simply envites herself to come along with us. Is she afraid, that I might tell S something about her old gossips?

My parents are like cancer. What would be the best chemo to delete them? My trust for them is totally gone. M suggested, that she’ll bring her old laptop with her so that my Husband could “fix” it. M said, she wants to save our old holiday pictures back from 2009, because: “It’s a shame, that I can’t see them – we have to save them somehow!” In the eye of the blink I said, of course, bring your laptop over. But soon after that I started to feel humongous anxiety. Those pics have F all over them. What the hell M was thinking even asking me something like that? She really doesn’t want to see that I’m broken. She cares only about herself.

I told S, that the freaking laptop is making me crazy. It was confidential conversation – or at least it was to me. Anyway S told M about it, and now I feel abused.

I’m so afraid.

I’m afraid that my Mother, my own Mother, will taunt me and hurt me in every way she can every freaking day we are on this holiday. I’m afraid, that when M comes here, she will talk about F and this and that and totally miss and diss my feelings and anxiety. I’ve begin to wonder, should I after all tell her about my earliest memories… Maybe the biggest one, where F grabs my four-year-old hand and puts it over his erection and sighes arousedly: Ooooh…! Would that make any difference?

Let me think.

No. No, it wouldn’t.

5mg

I feel empty. I feel there’s nothing left to say and go on about. I just don’t feel much anymore. In some way it’s obviously a good thing but in the long run this isn’t me.

Yesterday I started to half my Lexapro dose to 5mg. First of all I hope I’ll have my sensitivity back when it comes to sex, and second of all I don’t mind crying as long as it doesn’t make me look like a lunatic. It’s okay to be sad and hurt inside. Every feeling has a purpose. There’s no way I’m going to live my life as a robot.

The best thing that my meds have taught me in these past four months is I haven’t done anything wrong to anyone, not to F, not to M, not to S. Meds have helped me to get use to what has happened. Without them I don’t know where I would be right now. I’m thinking that I should stay in 5mg at least the next six months and see, where it goes from there. I’m sure, this is the right thing to do, but of course I’m going to see my doctor and have a chat with her as well.

I don’t know what is waiting for me in the future but I surely know now, where my bounderies are. I think I’m going to be all right. Without F and partly without M I’m going to continue my life as it is and enjoy it the best way I can. Maybe some day I’m brave enough to write about the sexual abuse I had to go through as a kid, but right now I don’t think it’s necessarely the best thing to do. It’s not fare that I’m the only one struggling with these issues and my parents keep pretending they haven’t done anything bad. It makes me sick to my stomach and for that I think anger and bitterness are my biggest enemies right now. How to let go, that is the question.

The Sense of Unworthiness Is Killing Me

At first I have to put a NOTE TO MYSELF: Stop having too much alcohol during Lexapro. It makes you think of suicide!

I had a good time on Saturday, but something hasn’t been right since. I feel more depressed and lonely than ever. It’s like a moral hangover for not been at home taking care of kids or it’s like a bucket full of shame of what I must have said or looked like while dancing and chatting. I’m simply afraid I’m not good enough. We don’t have the fanciest home or car and I’m not the most beautiful and shining woman on Earth. In fact I’m always the one who is too young and stupid. I’m always too something and everything and who wouldn’t love to have the pleasure to tell me that!

Oh well. Me and H had a stupid argument yesterday and it’s taking a toll on me too. On top of that little sis has an otitis again and I’m deep in my PMS. So here we go…

Having Fun Is An Important Part of Stress Management

Happy Valentine’s Day!

The only way to have a friend is to be one. – Ralph Waldo Emerson

Next Saturday I’m going out with two of my new best friends. I hardly know them yet, but I’m having a good feeling about this. I’m going to have my hair done and buy some new clothes… I’m simply going to have fun! Although I’m a little bit scared too… Do I know, how to have fun anymore? What if I’m poor company and wine makes me cry all evening? Hope not.

I chatted with M yesterday. I have anger and bitterness around me, yes, but I’m still trying to get along with her. Sometimes it even feels good, if our conversation has brought us a step forward to better living and understanding.

Numb

Now that I’m on meds, I’ve started to feel numb and somehow disconnected from my emotions. Do I even have emotions anymore, I begin to wonder. Sure sex haven’t been the same for a couple of months.

Before this crisis of mine I used to be very empathic and sensitive of what other people were going through. I co-felt feelings such as grief, which for example came with long-term infertility, and desolation, which few of my stay-at-home mommyfriends were also struggling with. On top of that I had my own emotions to deal with. Now that I think back, I’ve always been there for others. Always listening and comforting… No wonder I’ve been so sentimental and gutted. And no wonder, I took the conflict with F so hard.

If you have any bad feelings you would like to dumb, bring them to me, I’ll carry them for you!

Usch, not anymore. Now I don’t feel the need to think things too deeply. Sure I feel love for my husband and kids and care for my friends but would I like to have something heavier on my shoulders? No thank you, that would be too exhausting. Now don’t get me wrong, this is a good shift in my life, but at the same time I begin to worry. Is this numbness really me? Who am I?

Last Friday M called me. As usual she was concerned with S’s money situation and then told me, that their cat has been acting weird and maybe they should get it to the vet and have it put to sleep. I couldn’t care less (!) but I said: “Ooh, it’s getting old. You should deffinitely go to the vet and depending on what he sais, do what ever you have to do.” I said, what is ment to be said in situation like that, but I didn’t FEEL IT. Or maybe I felt a little bit irritated for the fact that she told me about their cat and waited for me to console her. Same thing happened earlier with S, when she told me, that she’s concerned about the big mole in her back. “What if it’s cancer?” she cried. I felt nothing. Just irritated again which I tried to hide. I said: “Please, don’t worry yet. Go to the doctor first and wait for the lab results.” Again I said, what is ment to be said in situation like that, but I didn’t FEEL IT.

Is this because of my meds or is it just the fact, that because my Sister and Mother haven’t been keen to help me to solve my crisis, I feel like I don’t have to be there for them, either? I’ve read about SSRIs and how they blunt your personality so that you are apple to shape it again. Doctors recommend therapy as a molding tool and it leads to one question: If I don’t ever go to therapy, is this numbness going to be a new me?

Feeling Stigmatized?

Today I brought my Lexapro prescription to the nearest clinic so that doctors could script me a new one. This was my first time doing this and I clearly noticed something. I noticed that I’ve never in my life felt so stigmatized! This is sad but lets be honest here. What made me feel this way was the fact that the meds I’m using are SSRIs, antidepressant drugs. Oh my. I felt ashamed as I sat down at the reception handing out my documents. People standing in line in the back… Lady talking to me in the front… It felt exactly like everyone around me knew my case and it made me feel the biggest loser in the world.

As I followed my footsteps back to the car and made sure that kids were still okay, playing and reading at the back seat, I chanted in my head:

It’s okay, it’s okay.

You are an excellent mother and a loving and good wife.

You have a master’s degree.

You have your own home and few new friends.

You have started pilates and you’re enjoying it.

Life is good. Life is great.

What do they know about it?

What do they know about you?

Yes, they know nothing.

Then I started the car and drove away. Somehow I need to get past this feeling of being stigmatized. God forpid – I don’t want to wear any kind of mark in my forehead!