M called today. That call didn’t last long. I’ve noticed I can’t chit-chat with her anymore the way we have used to. It has something to do with trust. The trust we no longer have between us. The foundational trust which you have to have if you’re in a daughter-mother relationship. I actually don’t want to know anything about her everyday life that has something to do with F, and because of that, there’s nothing much to talk anymore. I’ll go even deeper into my depression if I let her assume everything is suddenly okay. I need an apology from F, before I can start to heal my wounds. At the same time I know, F doesn’t do apologies. I have to put my life back together somehow differently.
God knows, this year has been a total watershed in my adult life. I don’t know, what kind of role M plays in my new life. I don’t know if she is going to be a tree or a troubadour on the stage. Sure hell she is not going to be a whisperer.
I’ve been nervous for several days now. Both my and S’s family and M have decided to meet next weekend. To gather around, eat some cake and give our gifts for christmas. It’s something we do every year. This year F is not part of that. For some reason I’m very distressed. I just want it to be over already.
Ann de Fine 